today's dish

12.23.23

Boooooooo. I kept writing backlog entries but formally it's been over a month since I last updated. There been so much that it's hard to even recall what I didn't record. Also I'm a little dazed from being sick and also getting high yesterday. Well, let's start with the backlog from the beginning of the month. My mom is visiting next week, and I was finally motivated to tell her the truth about me living with Nana. She didn't take it well. I was angry and upset (so was she) and cried. But I'm proud of how I stood my ground and for processing my feelings in the moment. She had a lot to say. Things she perhaps didn't mean. She was unimpressed with Nana's job and his plans for the future. She thought he would bring me down and asked why I would tie myself down to someone when I was so young. To her of course living with a boy was no different from an elopement and runaway marriage. She said I should be with someone who can support me financially. I wondered why I had worked so hard all my life, to not be a burden on my parents, when deep down they didn't believe that I'd be able to sustain myself with the career I've built. I feel lucky to be in my position but would it ever be enough? My efforts were being held against me as a lofty bar to bring down the person I love. I can type these things without any emotion now because it feels so far behind us already. My mom apologized days after, said she was sorry for the things she said and that she was happy for us... and I am so grateful. I was surprised. I'd underestimated her. Next in order would be my dad, but I he's so fragile I hardly know if I can break him the news.

Speaking of dad, I've finished up a chaotic week of driving. Tuesday and Wednesday I rearranged work to take classes at 7am, and then on Thursday we took the test. I was so nervous the day before that I felt the pangs of anxiety in my gut, a cocktail of hormones in my bloodstream to prepare me for my fate. I was still a bit shaky with the parking by the time we went to the testing center. We waited an hour to start, keeping an eagle eye watch for the examiners who seemed to be testing everyone besides us, all the while still on high alert. Turns out, we were waiting at the wrong spot. The examiner took his seat beside me and I was already panicked to exit the parking lot after signalling too late and second-guessing my order for the right of way. My instructor had drilled in me for the whole week not to turn on the red light unless specifically asked, so I stopped at the red light and didn't turn, and the guy asked me if I can make a right turn on a red light, and I got flustered and said no. No??? I mean yes, but only when the way is clear. Well, is it clear? Did you even check??? I could feel the blood rising to my face as I attempted to go forward to see the road. I hardly remember most of the test. I failed to make some lane changes fast enough (do you want to make the lane change or should I do it for you??), drove too forward during the roadside stop, swerved, blah blah did everything in a state of frenzied panic. Mid-test he asked what's wrong and I said, I'm just very nervous. He said, I don't think you're nervous, I think you're just not prepared. Why would you bother coming to the test if you're not prepared? Ironically, I finished the test with a perfect reverse parking job. I'd run a stop sign, I didn't have control over my vehicle, words were coming out of his mouth, I honestly didn't care at this point. When he left, I even forgot how to take my key out of the ignition and stuggled with it for a minute. I met my instructor sheepishly and he asked me some things and gave me some consolatory words which also exited out the other ear. He suggested I start again in the spring, after the winter's over. Back home, my bubble of emotions burst and I melted into a puddle of goop and Nana assured me that everything was still fine. He told me that the examiner had been an arse and bidded his car get scratched. While I felt upset, I couldn't agree with wishing him ill will. After taking a long break, I broke the news to my friends (who had just wished me luck a few hours prior). It was only from their responses that I understood that I had been belittled. Though I had made mistakes he had been unnecessarily rude and presumptuous. My instructor thought I was ready. I had been fine in practice. I had put in my best effort to learn, waking up at 6 and squeezing in morning lessons between full time work and other commitments. It felt both ominous and comforting to me, a very strange combination of feelings, that I had failed to trigger my anger to protect myself. It was as if I had no defenses. Everything felt like my fault, and I deserved the judgement. I was grateful and so surprised for my loving partner and my friends to be angry on my behalf. When things happened to me before, I would find it hard to get angry; a common and very unhealthy repression. It was easy to believe that everything was my fault. I thought that I had improved since then, but residually I still live in a limbo in which I don't feel justified in anything I do.

I've been feeling sick since that morning, so I am still in the throes now. It's another microcold, the one that progresses fast. Usually my colds last long and I could have a sore throat for days before I start getting a runny nose, but I already have yellow snot and phlegm with my sore throat. Not to mention I feel dazed and and my skin is tender. I'm glad we are facing a four day weekend until the end of boxing week: but I'm missing out on some holiday hangouts so that's a bummer. Our mural friends met up yesterday at the arcade bar. The mural program's now over. We had to rush to finish it by the end, and we didn't have enough ladders which was a pain. But at the unveiling, they booked the multipurpose room and sat us at little tables for icebreakers and Costco croissant sandwiches. Our leads gave us little gilded diplomas and it felt like the graduation I never got thanks to Covid. We had a challenging game of trivia and bingo, and they also gave us gift cards and our final round of transit tickets. We stayed back for a few hours playing intense games of foosball and attempting to make gingerbread trains from the kit abandoned at the youth lounge. There were some board games: Pictionary, Uno, and Taboo which was suprisingly very fun. It’s a game where you have to explain a keyword to your teammate without using the common associated words. There’s a squeaker that you use to enforce the rules, and some got rather trigger happy with it. When our throats were dried out Fifi suggested a BBQ grill nearby. It was our (possibly?) last ride on Nini’s clown car, and Riri called shotgun after having to lie on top of everyone’s knees last week when we went to karaoke. I was on Nana’s lap again, my head knocking into the ceiling. The grill had five dollar sojus and we tried lychee, melon, plum (favourite!), and pineapple. We ordered up a feast. Nini was airing out her trouble with the exes, and Riri and Fifi joined in. Nini had a list of exes, a rude yet tall Irishman, a high school sweetheart. Fifi had dated a motorcycle-hauling bionic man older than her until she met Jaja, who treated her like a queen. Nana was confounded by the concept of love languages and situationships (which I only learned about recently… from the interweb). Riri had a date tomorrow (today, as of writing). It was refreshing and unfamiliar to hear people talk so candidly about relationships — and I was reminded of my own radicalism. They weren’t old fashioned by any measure, but babies and marriage were still a given for them. Poor Sasa had broken up with his sweetheart a year ago, I guessed correctly (at what cost) that she was her first and only girlfriend. He was reminded of her when he saw us. It brought a tear to my eye (or was it the BBQ smoke?) so we toasted. We toasted about ten times for all sorts of heartbreaks and celebrations. I had a bit too much to drink, I sat frequently as my company posed for pictures at the front. Nini gave us a ride to the station, but Nana and Sasa wanted to go to the coin karaoke. The room was tiny and we could pay a dollar in cash to play each song. We all lost our voices, and I was just tipsy enough to scream my heart out in a (literally) dizzying performance of Good Day. On the walk home I looked misty-eyed at my Nana and thought of how I had the most unexpectedly exciting time of my life after school with him.

It seems like I’m riding a holiday-fueled high of interaction that is revitalizing my dormant mind. The day before the mural unveiling, I caught up with Yiyi from college. While I waited for her to arrive I meditated on the warm sun, the slightly chilly air, and the pleasant clamour of wind chimes somewhere. As she walked out of the Uber, her hair was short and without her glasses, her eye were rounder and blacker than I’ve remembered. She talked fast, like an automatic pitching machine, and it was hard to keep up. She didn’t take breaks. But I like her. She’s been having trouble with work — her soul-sucking job at a fashion retailer wasn’t rewarding for her. She’d taken a 7-week leaves from work for her mental health, and had just come back from therapy in the morning. Her coping mechanism for the winter was to fill up her days with events, and she sure did for that day. We went to five galleries. The first two were in the same building, which had been a heritage foundry. The attendant was a grad from our school with the same name as me, and the exhibiting artist had taught there as well! Yiyi and I thought it must’ve been meant to be. The other gallery was exhibiting a Japanese painter with luminous, shockingly detailed portraits which I think Nana would like. The attendant there was also kind, she told us stories of this eclectic painter who photographed his own subjects in their hometowns which had become no-man’s-land. He would return to paintings he’d exhibited to add more finishing touches. We promised to return to his live perfomance (of what?) in January. The owner of the gallery lived in a nook behind the front counter sectioned off by a single curtain. “He’s living the dream,” the attendant remarked, but I couldn’t help but wonder if that was legal. Another galley a short walk away was mysteriously closed, so we went inside its neighbour, which was literally spilling out canvases from its open entrance. A little old woman spoke to us hidden behind a counter of tall canvases. She was the wife of the gallery owner, clearly fed up with her artist husband’s antics. They collected art from over the world and sold it for low prices. If you could squeeze through the narrow path without knocking something over, you could traverse into the back of the gallery where installations and sculptures made from found objects, possibly still in progress, were strewn about. The centerpiece was a hill of stainless chef’s pots, which the lady told us we’d need to buy the whole piles, because she was tired of shoppers rummaging and clanging through the pile. Apparently there’s quite a lot of patrons who just want enter to buy a good pot rather than artwork. The last gallery was also a photography studio, and a little dog greeted us at the entrance. They had a collection of masks inspired by famous Canadians, and Drake was instantly recognizable.

Brunch: Pancakes with cinnamon sugar

Dinner: Don't know yet!

Pork Chops

1 porkchop

1 handful mushrooms, sliced

3 cups barley

2/3 cup dried black beans

1 packet gravy or poutine sauce

1/2 crown broccoli

1/2 spoonful garam masala (or your favourite spice mix)

1 spoonful flour

Salt and pepper

1. Soak beans for 30 minutes.
2. Take out the porkchop from the fridge. Cut grid lines into it and season with salt and pepper.
3. Rinse 3 cups of barley and add beans with the water. Add a little more water than the rice cooker's recommendations and run it on the brown rice setting.
4. Mix garam masal with flour and dredge pork chops lightly in the mixture..
5. Fry the pork chop in the pan. Meanwhile, make the poutine sauce according to the package and then add mushrooms until they are stewed.
6. Boil and salt water. Cook broccoli for 30 seconds, then drain and add a little salt and pepper.
7. Scoop the cooked rice on the plate (make sure the beans are cooked through otherwise they can be toxic). Add the pork chop and top with mushroom sauce. Add broccoli to the side.

11.18.23

It's new to write a journal entry first thing in the morning without any event to trigger it other than my calendar telling me that it's time to write. I have to force my brain to jog back to the last point I left off. I have been living on safe mode for the past little while, allowing myself to power off aside from when I really need to work. I fel a little bit of heat from the approaching deadlines at the end of this month, but I'm hoping to sprint a bit from now til next week so I can go on my trip. Toto asked me to visit their home at the Falls with Kaka and Pipi. It was Kaka that had suggested it. I knew that Kaka and Toto had visited Pipi's house prior: I told them about how I wished that with my newfoudn driving abilities, I'd be able to visit remote friends often. Agency! So that's exciting. Speaking of driving, I had my third lesson just this morning, at 7am. It was the only time block left over, but I find it is actually a great time to learn. The road is empty. I'm surprised that I hadn't written about this last time. I was so anxious to start, but my instructor is very kind. He has seven years of experience teaching, and I feel safe learning with him, which I can say the same for my dad's instruction. The double-braking system in the car is neat, too. The first time I learned, I learned how to stop at the stop sign and make left and right turns, and how to make a roadside stop and parking. Last week I learned the three-point turn, and got on the 50kph road. This time, I was daunted to learn parallel parking, but I think I picked up some very helpful tips. My instructor told me that I am getting more confident, but I'll need a few more lessons for the exam, which is already coming up in mid-December! While it's certainly a challenge, it's also astounding to think that I would go through the entire learning process in just two months. I've been meaning to learn for a long time (since my dad started nagging me, haha), but I had no good reason to drive in the city, not to mention that everyone I know either hates or is terrified of driving (license owners included). But now I try to think of all the benefits, like being able to drive my dad to the hospital and get him groceries.

Speaking of dad, he's still teetering health-wise, but as I said to my mom last week, I think he's stabilized to the point that he wouldn't need immediate help from me... our fears were unwarranted. I don't regret the action I took and think that it's better to be safe than be sorry, but I'm no longer on high alert, though I still call him every night. I helped him get another 2-month extension for his work absence. To get the extension, though, he was finally propelled to take the cab to the doctor to get a note. He got his trouble with the bank sorted on the way. It was a strain for sure, and he's in a crash state. But he won't have to make any big trips for a while now. The doc also gave him some medication: tylenol and a type of codeine. I looked up the medication and I'm not convinced that it would help, especially as he has a lot of trouble breathing, but I told him to make sure to call his doctor immediately if he had any side effects. My mom confirmed that the doc is negligent and he sent her friend's mother-in-law to an early death, which is troubling. I need to make plans to visit home soon so I can find him a better treatment, but so far my blinders are on for the end of this month. My dad's co-worker, bless his soul, offered to take him to get herbal medicine and groceries and have lunch together. He's still recovering from the trip to the doctor so it may be hard for him, but hopefully he'll get the Korean groceries that he's been missing for months.

Today's dish is... 'totally not authentic banh mi'. We've been stocking sandwich ingredients for the past month or so, but one of these days we had some leftover porkbelly we reserved in the fridge, I fried it back up with oyster sauce and made a light salad with Korean seasoning. It was delicious! In our very biased opinion (don't hate me, Vietnamese friends). Food hasn't been much on the mind since my adventure with miso pasta, and of course my current bout of survival mode. But yesterday we had teriyaki chicken, and the day before that, hot pot with tomato broth. So... we are eating well! As always. We inadverdently celebrated Diwali by going downtown to see Kiki: it was her first time meeting Nana. I think Nana was a little hungry (dare I say hangry?) but he graciously allowed us to browse through the gift shops in the cozy little market district where Kiki worked part-time. I picked up a pretty children's book about making bread from different cultures. I thought we would be eating at the very fancy vegan restuarant that Kiki suggested, but we hadn't made a reservation, which worked out for me because I was having second thoughts about feeding my gluttonous boy tiny plates of spinach (and out of my pocket too). We went to a nearby Indian place at Kiki's suggestion. It was small and charming, with tealights lighting up a chalk mural on the sidewalk for Diwali. Nana asked the waiter for some recommendations: lamb shank and chicken Madras. The garlic naan was nothing short of incredible: crisp, but not greasy. The rice was fragrant and peppered with diced vegetables. The chicken madras was a little kick of spice and the lamb melted off the bone. I'm always a bit careful to decide a place to eat with Nana, because he eats so much, but he was quite satisfied. Kiki and Nana talked about their trips to Chicago and Japan. Kiki is so good natured, and I was thankful that they were both enjoying their time. As we left, the waitress gave us a handmade card the staff had drawn for all the customers on Diwali. We checked out one of the dingy yet surprisingly large underground stores in Chinatown, full of curious and slightly defected souvenirs, stationery, and home goods, theorizing what each unlabelled item could be. We grabbed a bubble tea and walked Kiki back to her apartment.

It's really hard to remember things now, but looking back on my calendar helps a lot. Ah, earlier this month, we celebrated out coworker Vivi's birthday. Our boss forgot, which I sort of predicted, so good thing I asked him about it before we got to the office. He said he would order a cake for her, so I stealthily asked her what her favourite flavour is, which I passed on to the boss. She was surprised to see the strawberry shortcake! It was not too sweet, which everyone liked. Afterwards, Vivi took us to her favourite board game cafe, just a minute's drive from the office. They had an array of eye-catching 'bath potions' and figures on display. We had the whole basement to ourselves. This time, I won Dixit :) We also played a game with cows where you must guess the most popular answer. Our coworker Dada wasn't pleased with having to think like a 'normie'. A Digimon game we picked had way too many rules and complications that it was a bit deflating. They had food there too, and I was tempted to get the waiver-requiring Nashville hot chicken sandwich, but I opted for perogies instead. The burgers were certified good, though, and we pooled all our fries together in the middle to snack on. Kaka and I split a 'freakshake', mostly out of curiosity about the terrifying name. It was a butterscotch ice cream milkshake with candied bacon. It was good, but I felt a little too old for the level of sugar. I should have worn looser pants, because my stomach was so compressed from the volume of food. In all, it was a sweet night. I think I am getting closer to our coworkers recently. Maybe it's the cold. Last week we huddled under Vivi's new electric blanket and hunched over the radiator together, our boss nearly falling asleep on the couch across from us. I leaned on Vivi's shoulder, she smells so nice. We talked about family and red flags, and I let on about my brother's divorce, which I haven't told anyone yet.

Last Friday, I saw Bibi for the first time since they got sick. We were unboxing our first charm orders: my colours came out a little faded, but still cute. I think Bibi's turned out perfect though, with the candy colours and glittery domed resin on point. We finally cut our teeth in the chestnut lattes I've been eyeing for the past month. It was a golden, milky, fall flavour, and I left a little to sip on throughout our drawing session. We talked about life, 'the tea', again with my brother, and Bibi's troubles. It's so nice and refreshing to just sit and chat. I need more of that in my life. I walked them to the station and then power-walked to pick up Nana from his work. I've been appreciating our night walks, even if it's the same old short route each time. On weeks that I don't have time to formally block out getting out of the house or exercising, it's nice to breathe in the night air and walk, and chat about our day, what we want to eat for dinner, whatnot. Yes, I think these are gentle days. Drifting along without effort.

Breakfast: Everything bagel with cream cheese

Lunch: Samosas

Dinner: Don't know yet!

Totally Not Authentic Banh Mi

1 long bread roll

2 strips pork belly

1 spoonful oyster sauce

2 leaves lettuce

2 stalks green onion

1/2 spoonful red pepper flakes

1/2 spoonful sugar

drizzle of vinegar

drizzle of sesame oil

1. Slice bread into halves.
2. Chop lettuce and green onion. Toss with red pepper, sugar, vinegar, and sesame oil and let rest.
3. Fry pork belly unless golden and cooked through. Cut into bite sized pieces with scissors.
4. Add oyster sauce and fry, tossing the pan to coat the meat and prevent it from burning. Take off heat.
5. Place salad mixture on bread and then pork, then top with the other half of bread.

11.04.23

I feel more hopeful today. It's a good energy to bring back into these journal entries which, admittedly, have been dour lately. Today I hung out with our lovely new friends, which has become something of a ritual on Saturdays. After the workshop ends, we don't even need to have something planned: we head out to what sounds good. Today the mall popped into my head. Nini gave us a ride but there weren't enough seats, so I sat on Nana's lap, which does not sound as comfy as it sounds. It was a sedan, and my head kept knocking into that weird handle that cars have. But it was fun. Hihi is a funny girl, she keeps telling us that we are so cute, but I'm not sure why. We arrived at the mall which was brighter and peppier than I had remembered it, but still had the same authentic air. It had been ages since I'd been there. We didn't shop much, but we packed into the food court where the dingy yet familiar takeout stands crammed together into a something that resembled a busy street corner. The smell of fresh bubble waffles brought me back to simpler times. I bought a smoothie for Sasa to repay my debts and a bubble tea for me and Nana - their teas are still only four dollars! - Nana bought us noodles for dinner and a cheesecake for later. Sasa got us all cheese tarts, generous boy. Hihi was sweet and gave us some pieces of her egg waffle. Nini didn't have an appetite so we took her noodles to finish at home. We spent a long time talking. I talked to Riri about how I was going to take my first driving lesson tomorrow, and about my excitement to grow old, and her ambition to put her all into her assignments in her comic drawing class. It's a joy to talk to Riri. She is gentle but has her moments of genuine chaos. My favourite kind of gal. Nana was busy in teaching-mode, demoing how to sketch to Sasa. An hour before the mall closed, we went to look at the curiosities in the shop nearby where I got some Japanese bath powders scented with pine, grass, cedar, and yuzu. I can't wait to take my next bath tomorrow. They also had some bizarre articles like a honey scented Rilakkuma condom (?!). We left as they shuttered the door.

I didn't expect to do so much around Halloween, but I actually got a little exhausted from all I did on that weekend. We also hung out with Sasa and Riri last Saturday, we went downtown and had some tofu soup (where we acquired our debt, as Sasa paid for all of us) and played board games. I found some new favourite games. One was Dixit, which involves these big whimsical painted cards a little bit of mind-reading. It was quite fun. I had an Irish coffee, which taste good with the whipped cream, but it soon dissolved into... regular coffee. While playing the last game, Sasa got too into it, he left a purple dent on my hand. In between, we went to the unlit park nearby where a strange ritual was taking place. A circle of people were gathered around some kind of performance with a gigantic blue floating head. They were chanting about death, and we wondered if we had stumbled upon an occult gathering. The show ended as oon as we got there and a brass band started to lead us down to the gazebo. They had a shadow show where they had a very long drawing projected through a sheet, a procession of skeletons accompanied by mysterious chants. While spooky, it was apparent that we had stumbled upon an All Hollow's Eve celebration, not a blood sacrifice. Then, four singers took the mic and started to whisper, mimicking breeze. They broke into a worker's song, no doubt of pagan farmers in the rye. The concert ended with the triumph of music over the fear of death. Standing in the chilly air among giddy children and their caregivers, I felt the spirit of Halloween as I had a very long time ago.

I stayed out late, then the day after, I headed out by myself to meet Lili. She invited me to a hike in the graveyard with her newcomer group. The group was mixed, with people from Ukraine, Hong Kong, Pakistan, and India. Lili and the other organizers had scoped out the place a week before, and came with little index cards full of notes. I had no idea that the yard was the burial grounds to a handful of very rich, powerful men. There were two prime ministers that I recognized from my history books. Another, the owner of the enourmous mall downtown whose mausoleum was an afterlife mansion for himself and his wife. It was chilly, and I was unprepared: Lili gave me her coat. I was a little embarrassed, as I should be the one to know better about our weather. We stepped into the funeral home for a minute, and I looked at the pews. They had tissue holders for the mourners. It was my first time at a funeral home. I was struck by the idea that my first funeral could be soon. Outside, we opened up the goodies we received from the volunteers and munched on chips sacrilegously through the historic graves. Two hours flew by, and we set up at Tim's for a hot drink to warm ourselves. One of the girls was Lili's friend, studying design at the school near me. She had travelled an hour for the hike, and seemingly swamped with homework. The other was a tech specialist from Ukraine, who also travelled an hour and a half. She was having trouble finding a job without experience here, so she worked at an ice cream parlour. But she dreamed of being an actor. Lili too was unable to practice her profession, she works full time at the baking department of the supermarket. They shared their grievances: the car-centric streets, the emptiness of the city, the hoops to go through to access healthcare, all things that had bothered me too. But they were hopeful, and saw the experience as an adventure. There has been a sort of escapism in my daydreams of leaving this city, but talking to them, I was met with a sense of humility. The city that I took granted was the haven that so many tried so hard just to arrive to. My newcomer friends, they are exhausted from their menial jobs but still take every opportunity to root themselves into this city, this culture. Can I really say that I have tried my best to love this place? There are places that I pass by, streets that blur as I halfheartedly tell myself I'll explore them someday. It suddenly made me think of Kiki, whom I had only thought of as a pleasant new friend. She loves to explore new places with me, try new foods. She has always been beside me in little adventures around the city, and it fills my heart with gratitude. I hope that I won't forget to tell her that when I see her, very soon.

On Halloween proper, I invited Lili to our apartment. I went out at lunchtime to get some ingredients and a pumpkin pie, but there were none to be found so I got a case of cinnamon buns instead. After work I hurried to wash dishes and prepare the meal: a miso cream pasta that I loved to get at the restaurant across from our place. I always ordered it when I went with Nana, and on our anniversary as well. It was hard to get the flavours right, and we couldn't get the mushrooms to crisp. The pasta wasn't the best, but hey, it still tasted good (as least for me...). I put two whole cartons of mushrooms in it but it wasn't enough. When I later packed it away for lunch and the freezer, I realized that I had made enough portions to feed a small army. When Lili arrived, I was dishevelled, sweaty, my face bare and my hair frazzled. Our home wasn't as tidy as I usually would have it. But I felt comfortable with Lili, and a part of me had laid down my ambition to always have the home as perfect as possible for guests. Lili and Nana bonded unexpectedly over their experience of working in the grocery store. The way the workers are treated, it's as if they are machines, she said. At times it feels as if, while sad, there is nothing we can do about this. My face would burn to say that I allowed my old father to work in a factory. And he still thinks he could return someday... I have been picking up Philosophy again, as I usually do when presented with circumstances beyond my control. I read about the life and thoughts of Simone Weil, who went to work in the factories to understand the plights of the worker. When she did, she thought about not just the suffering but the humiliation of the worker. Their humanity reduced to that of only being a means to an end. Even with the best and brightest of my friends, they are still plagued by the absence of security in our world and chosen vocation. But on that night, all was still good, we watched The Nightmare Before Christmas for the first time, popcorn and grapes (a gift from Lili) in tow. It was a charming little movie, and quite wholesome, but my eyes were glazing over from the dark and the warmth of two lovely people next to me on the couch.

I would love to write more, but my memory is unravelling and Nana is sleeping soon, so I want to join him. He is a little miffed that I called Sasa 'cute' today, which I admit is very careless of me. there are things I should know better than to say anymore!

Breakfast: Whole wheat bagel with cream cheese, chocolate chai, lemon yogurt with caramel granola

Lunch: Samosas

Dinner: Stir fried noodles, cheese tart, milk tea with tapioca, cheesecake with strawberries

Miso Pasta

2 spoonfuls miso

1 ladleful pasta water

2 servings pasta, I used linguine

1 cup cream

2 handfuls mushrooms, I used black oyster and cremini

Parmesan, for garnish and seasoning

1 spoonful butter

1 pinch turmeric - optional, but I added some because my pasta wasn't golden enough

1. Boil the pasta in salted water for as long as it says on package instructions.
2. Chop mushrooms and crisp on a pan. Don't crowd them!
3. Take out mushrooms and fry garlic until fragrant. Add cream and butter.
4. Drain pasta, then mix the reserved pasta water with the miso and stir until miso is dissolved.
5. Add miso water to pot with mushroom sauce and pasta, and mix until smooth.
6. Season with parmesan and more miso if needed.

10.18.23

My feelings have been pretty back and forth lately. Since I last wrote I had felt that I need to take action immediately and go back home. But now it seems back to the status quo. It’s not that I don’t want to help: I’ve been forcing myself to make phone calls (which I hate), researching resources and translating as much as I could. At first I was frustrated because I felt that while I knew my brother would be busy with his own problems, he kept poking holes in my plan that I already knew wouldn’t be perfect. I broke my father’s pride by helping him. But why does he take my call every night and tell me he is close to dying if he doesn’t wish to give him hope? He is so hopeless and bleak. It feels callous to suggest that people still live on in his circumstances. I don’t need to add to his guilt. I have passed along everything I’ve found, downplaying the time and energy it took. But I don’t know that it’s helped. I think I’m understanding the reason why my brother and mom are so cautious of me getting involved. No matter how much I try to help, I can't help him unless he wants to take it. In that call with my brother, he told me this: at the end of the day, our parents made their own choices in life as adults. I could spend the whole day talking about the mistakes they have made. But I am impatient by nature. I want to stop the suffering as soon as possible and it drives me mad to see the steps not taken. I must be content with the fact that my daily calls have allowed him to look forward to another day, one day at a time.

I also reached out to people on Reddit for advice. They provided me with good suggestions, good resources, a bit of empathy. I don’t feel quite as lost as I did before. But the second post I made filled me with dread so much that I don’t want to return anymore. I used to spend mindless hours just browsing Reddit, eating up true stories about all sorts of people and their tragedies. I had stalked a grief support group, morbidly curious about the ways people cope, their emotions after loss. But now that I was the one baring my own soul to strangers, I didn’t like what I found. There were more good people than bad, knowledgeable. But each curt reply made me so demotivated that today I just deleted the app. I had already deleted it before because it was a huge time sink, and only reinstalled it to ask the question. I think maybe I am just vulnerable right now, and professing my secrets to strangers wasn’t a great idea. I've been reading a new book lately. I didn't expect much, as it seemed aimed for teens and I only picked it up for the nice cover. But the protagonist in the story is a young girl who takes care of her mother. She works her mother's share, who's too depressed and fragile to work, every waking hour, so they can pay off their debts. Her love interest, a seemingly wealthy and carefree boy, reveals his brother is actually an addict, cycling in and out of rehab, and putting emotional and financial strain on their family. Often times, when reading a book, you get a moment of shock where you feel a truth that you have always known but never put a name to. "Sometimes the people we love make life hard." Just as I wished my dad to live on in his state, couldn't I take my own advice, and try to live life despite what is happening to us? So I try.

There was a point yesterday where I felt that this journal is getting too personal and too depressing to share online. I know no one really reads this in the first place but is it still a good idea to share this with the world? Perhaps I just want to reiterate the good things in life. After all, my heart still melts at a stranger's little compliment. Today at work we filmed a short skit for the upcoming game. It was hard not to laugh but we got through. We make plans to go to a board game cafe for our coworker Vivi’s birthday. I really do love the people I get to work with. After work, it was freezing cold out and the sun was disappearing into the trees. We took some trash bags from the kitchen and went to pick apples. Kaka climbed up the shed roof and up the ladder, Vivi held down the ladder, and I held the bag of apples as our boss took pictures. They had been ripe for a month now, so they were mostly spotty. Kaka took most of the dodgiest ones for their juicer at home. I just took two nice ones for Nana and I. I hope they taste good with no surprises inside (edit: there was indeed a wriggly boy inside, but the tiny piece I tried tasted good. Down the chute they go though). The day before I had the most perfectly crisp and sweet Chinese pear. I’m glad they're not more well known, that this taste is a secret exclusive to me and the enlightened few. No fusion bakeries making $20 danishes from them, none at the pricy farmer’s market at the library square. Just a simple, sweet, humble fruit. And I finally wrote another journal entry this month. It helped to get the bulk of it done while I was on the bus, and while waiting for my boss in the cafe.

I am trying to get Nana to eat healthier, though he still sticks mostly to grilled meat or instant ramen. We went grocery shopping yesterday and the day before and got a bunch of fresh food. I guess I’m used to my mom bringing home bags upon bags of food, more than what would fit in the fridge. She has what Koreans would call a big hand, which means she always makes six portions for a table of three. It’s probably because she’s still used to being a housewife of a family of four, plus having a son and nephew that eat twice as much as a regular person. But now it is our fridge that's full, and even our pantry too, and it fills me with contentment. Today and yesterday we had sandwiches for dinner. I forgot how good pickles are in a sandwich. I bought a bag of hickory sticks on the way home from work so we could make copycats of the enormous subs at the sandwich shop in our neighbourhood. They stuff it so full of ham and hickory sticks and mayo and it is soooooo good. But it seems we don't need to get it there anymore, because the sandwiches we had tonight were amazing. Sometimes I think maybe my taste buds are so easygoing that they think anything tastes good, but where's the harm in that, really?

After the flurry of confusing and upsetting events, cancelling three projects (all of which I really wanted to do!), and forcing myself to at least rest for the rest of the night on work days, I’m trying to be better to Nana. Try not to nag him or wear him out with anxieties. He still plays a lot of League these days, ha ha. But yesterday we (attempted to) play Sonic and Tails. I try to get myself a little brighter, more like my best self. It’s not fake, we wouldn’t want it that way. It was one night when I was feeling morose about the trust issues I had with a friend. Would Nana ever drift away like that, I wondered? Did I ever do him wrong? Nana thought about it, and answered. Just be honest. Honesty is the quality that I’ve always been skeptical about in my own life. In much of my life it felt wrong to be honest. I wanted to hide my feelings, my fears, my frustrations so that my family would not abandon me. So that other people would like me, because the person I had been was too embarrassing and unpalatable. And yet, she is not the person I am now. These days, there are few things I need to hide. Even my father lost his venom. The coping methods linger. Just how many still remain? I still lie to protect my image. Sometimes I lie when it’s convenient. I lie to the closest people in my life.

And honesty is the quality I have always loved in Nana. He is the most authentic person I have met; love him or hate him, and yes there are some who do. I picture him as a clear glass bead, sparkling with light. Be honest, he told me. Be careful of that which divides friends. Sometimes, it’s not a great argument that sets people drifting apart. Sometimes we resent the people around us little by little for breaking the promises that are only in our own head. Maybe we drag ourselves to a friend’s party even if we are tired or sick, and that becomes a grudge you keep that no one can know. Maybe we do a favour for another that they are not even aware is a favour, and get angry that they do not favour us back. There are so many little things that can over time drive a wedge between us. At this moment I felt a pang of guilt for the silent resentment I built between us. Molehills may become mountains if you let them. Days spent cooking and cleaning and planning and working and socializing beyond my limits. I hadn't been honest to him or to myself.

I used to want to improve myself because I was not a good person. Every day, exploding out of my shell, I felt the growing pains. When I started to love myself more, I closed my eyes to my faults and stopped challenging myself to change. But now by some change of heart I wish to improve the person I am while still loving myself, and that reason has been to love another.

Breakfast: whole wheat bagels with salmon cream cheese and hojicha

Lunch: leftover lasagna

Dinner: Special Sandwich and roasted sweet potatoes

Special Sandwich

1 long bread roll

1 scoop mayo

1 leaf lettuce

3 slices deli meat (I used bologna)

2 slices tomato

2 long slices dill pickle

a handful of hickory sticks (sorry non-Canucks)

1. Slice bread into halves and spread mayo on one half.
2. Place the lettuce, pickles and deli meat in that order.
3. Add tomato slices and hickory sticks on top of the deli meat and fold the meat so the two ingredients are tucked inside.
4. Top with the other half of the bread and enjoy! It'll be a messy one.

10.8.23

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by another monthly entry. Where did the time go? I kept telling myself and people around me that I wasn't that busy, but turns out, I am. I've been tracking everything I do for the last month like a madman, and I work an extra 52 hours a month just on side projects. Talk about a workaholic! Keeping a record has really given me perspective on my unhealthy habits. I only spent nine hours total on hobbies and self-care in comparison, which makes me want to do better. Good news is, I woke up at the same time (7:30) every day except once, and did morning yoga for the majority of days. I think it does help my body to get ready for the long day of work. I still have a lot on my plate which makes me think that I need to stop looking for new work for at least this quarter. I am planning zealously and each time feels like a game of extreme tetris: there is no more leeway to procrastinate. I still get basic needs met like a good night's sleep and three home cooked meals a day, which I'm grateful for. But I realize now why I've always failed to do the things I've wanted to do: I overbook myself, and blindly so. I think what I need right now is to let things go. Finish up things and don't start again until I get my bearings.

Too many things have passed by without me writing them down. I guess life is a bit of a shit show these days. My brother is getting divorced after just six months of married life. It looks as if our sister-in-law thinks she deserves better for herself. She's starving herself to lose weight and taking oion overtime so she doesn't have to come home to him. Now she never has to, because she made him move out. Mom said he caught Covid since he moved in to his new place last week, so I sent him a message just now to check up on him. The day he told me, he picked me up from work all the way up north and we went to a trendy cafe, where he unfurled the dirt between mouthfuls of burning hot pasta. She wants to see other people now, he said. She doesn't feel that he will change no matter what she does. How does she know when she doesn't try? We couldn't answer that on her behalf. In other news, his contract at work had been extended for a while so he could look for a permanent position elsewhere. The doctor had told him that day that he is at risk of diabetes, so he had a list of healthy habits he needed to build, like walking 10,000 steps a day. We took a walk after stuffing ourself with the "last supper" as we could call it. The streets up north are so empty and ugly, but the end of summer air was nice. After much deliberation, I came clean to him that I've been dating Nana for a whole year without his knowledge, and that we lived together. He seemed baffled why I'd be afraid to tell him. Frankly I was surprised that he was so calm. I don't know what I was expecting. On the drive back, we talked about the times when I first moved to the east coast. He thought he had to protect me, be the older brother. He tried to be someone he is not. Deep down, I know I had known it too for a long time. He apologized for his behaviour, and I did for mine. I was an adult now, and I could take care of myself, he said. It felt like we had seen each other clearly for the first time in many years.

I can feel my mind wandering when I meet friends. Is it just me? It's all I ever wanted, just idyllic, sunny days of lounging about with friends. But I get relieved about going home early and going to sleep. Maybe I am just getting older. Recently I've been very eager about self-improvement, starting with the whole calendar planning thing, but also wanting to return to the big questions of the future and the direction of life. The time for survival has passed. I wish to flourish. Maybe this comes at an inopportune time with the recession in swing, but I thank my lucky stars that it hasn't hurt me too badly yet.

Oh yeah, I got sick for a week which derailed me for a bit. I had to work nonstop to meet the book deadline while I took time off for being sick. While I was sick, I drank lots of turmeric milk. I've been drinking it for the anti-inflammatory properties. The sunny yellow colour brightens my day as much as it stains my dishes. I still don't feel very motivated to socialize, but I also feel fragile about knowing others are meeting without me. Hypocrisy at its finest. Yet the list of to-dos make sure I never dwell on the feeling. Today, I finally cleaned the house. Nana helped a lot, which made me grateful. Buying some extra tools made the process much smoother. I don't know why I was such a cheapskate before. Everything is sparkly and clean for the Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. I spend a good deal of time with Dede and Cici now, since I'm not making plans with my own friends. It's comfortable: I never feel the need to impress them. We made some new friends at the mural workshop we've been starting to go to. At first, I was afraid that everyone was a teen, but to my surprise they are mostly all older than me, and fearing the same thing, ha ha. Riri is a research editor from BC. Sasa is a graduating architecture student and the only other guy there. Lili is a curator who just moved from Hong Kong and wants to make friends here. Everyone is so kind. It's nice to make casual acquaintances again: it's exciting to learn more about them. It feels as if I'm back in school, learning things like the colour wheel or painting portraits. Plus, they give us free pizza every time we go.

My aunt messaged me yesterday which she never does. Said that my dad is getting noticeably worse and that she calls him every day now. She said that I should too. It sounded to me as another way to say, prepare to say goodbye. It feels a little surreal. I called him immediately. I fought the urge to tell him to please keep on living. How can I possibly say that when I can't help him make his life worth living? My aunt told me he was crying a lot on call last night because he was worried for me after he is gone. She said you must keep living until your daughter gets married. I told him he doesn't need to worry about me. I saved up more money than anyone else in my family. Yes, I worked hard. Maybe I wouldn't have worked a day in my life if I didn't know that one day I would have to face this responsibility. I'm not diligent by nature. But I had to study, and now I have to work. I have to go soon to make today's call.

Mom also called for Thanksgiving. I told her about the situation. She said there's a lot of government assistance I should check out, which gives me a little relief. I'll call them as soon as the holiday is over. She said don't take it upon yourself, lean on your brother too. With all the deadlines and workshops I'm latched to, I won't be able to visit home until after Christmas. Be selfish, she said. Sadness can be contagious. I still don't know if it is right for me to be here, thousands of kilometres away from them at a time like this. In our culture there is a custom. A duty of every child, to be at their parents' side at the moment of death.

It's getting cold. The leaves have turned. Nana and I celebrated our first anniversary. I took the day off. No gifts, we walked around the park and Nana's legs were hurting. I felt guilty for dragging him there but I think it was still beautiful. We had sushi in the place we like. All the prices had been jacked up since that last time we were there. The food was good though, and we hobbled home, full. I had a pint and Nana downed the THC pop rocks which were certified snake oil. We fell asleep.

Breakfast: milk tea

Lunch: nil

Dinner: udon with mushrooms and fish cake, cheese and fish sausage corn dogs

Turmeric Milk

1 cup soy milk

1 spoonful brown sugar

1 heaping spoonful turmeric

1/2 spoonful cinnamon

2 star anise

dash of black pepper

1. Whisk all ingredients in a pot and boil.
2. Stirring frequently, wait til mixture comes to a boil and take off the stove.
3. Pour into a mug and enjoy!

9.1.23

I'm surprised that the last time I wrote here was a whole month ago. I had been thinking for a while now that I should make another entry, but wow, time goes fast. Skimming through the last entry, it feels like eternity ago. So why today? Well, I'd slotted this out for later on in the weekend, but I had a call with Nana today that was something of an emotional rollercoaster. Nana told me that his brother is dead set on moving in with us next year. He was suprised and unprepared to find that I became upset and wanted to move out. The truth is there is no reason other than I feel like it will be uncomfortable. After all those years of living with strangers or living in a space that was temporary and never mine, I was warming up to this place. I liked living here in this spacious apartment, just me and Nana. And it was too good to be true after all. I had said before that I would be fine with his brother being here, but I feel as if we have changed too much between then. In other places I've lived at, I wouldn't have dreamt to get new furniture, or nice plates, or deep clean and clear out the rooms like I've done in the past few months. I feel so attached to here. Nana said that his brother will only live here and won't interact with us, but that makes me even more uncomfortable. I want to be able to wear whatever I want, and live life without having to worry about the perception of others. It was hard to convey this over the phone but it came across that I wasn't happy. I even thought about moving back home, which was the one thing I told myself I would never do.

Nana was understanding, and told me that if I wished to move out he would move with me, and that he would have another talk with his mom about it. I have a lot of money saved up from working full time, but I understand when Nana said that it may not be easy for him. In a way I do feel guilty and feel that I am forcing him to take on a burden for my sake. Nana told me that he was used to living a basic life, working part time, not caring about health. I know too that not too long ago, for all of us it was enough just to survive, and complete every day. I feel that for him, and yes, for me too, we have still not clawed our way out of burnout. But he wanted to change for me. I told him that I wished he would be stable enough for his own sake, so that he could stand alone without his family's support or even mine. There are so many large and small things that we may have to worry about. Getting a car. Having a place to live. Paying the bills. But we'll be together through it all.

Our thoughts were drifting. Maybe Nana will look for a different job, one he likes better. Maybe we could live somewhere else for a while. Nana suggested Halifax. It would be lovely. I'd been thinking of it since I starting working remotely but I'd never had a catalyst til now. Nana is not the only one who is itching to change. Since he's been gone lately I've felt like I've been moving towards getting my life in balance. Meeting with my other full-time friends like Kiki and Mumu, I realized two things:

1. I am not special. Everyone else has the same frustrations at the workplace and that gave me a bit of perspective. I have decided for now that I will not spend any more energy pining over job listings or alternatives to my current workplace, which, while it has its faults, there are so many things that I love as well. My boss is humble and generous and kind. My coworkers are interesting and sweet. I get to work with one of my best friends. We have an office dog. My position is stable and we just started working a FOUR DAY work week! Hello???

2. I really need to be thinking about my health. I've been living a vegetative life since graduating and working my desk job but no amount of ergnomics is going to change that I need to have common sense about my health. I've also been more motivated to listen to mental health podcasts (I love Dr. K). I was briefly inspired to take therapy again but then I thought about the cost. But examining the concept of stress-related illness, I started doing a little bit of yoga in the mornings. It's not so much energy as it is building bodily awareness, which is something that many people with psychosomatic symptoms lack. I realized just how stiff I am. When I'd met Kiki my neck was so sore that I couldn't move it without it hurting. Truthfully, it's still a bit sore, but less so than before. I've been trying to eat more anti-inflammatory foods. I make turmeric milk every morning. I like the sunny yellow colour and the taste is just like kabocha soup. I'd like to learn more about Ayurveda and Chinese medicine because there is a lot of holistic knowledge about healthy eating. I realized that yes, I have a distracting pain, but to live idly because of it is just a waste of my time. But I'm keen not to overexert myself either. To try to be more productive I've been trying this planning method by this ADHD youtuber. I am NT (I think????) but it's pretty fun and effective so far. You use a digital calendar and block out all your week's plans in advance. Seeing everything laid out visually really gives me perspective on how much I can do, and stops me from overloading myself, which in turn makes tasks more manageable and satisfying.

Oh boy, this entry is about to be a long one. Thankfully I blocked out an hour and a half to write. I want to write about my good events, too! While the lead up to it was, to be honest, a bit of a mess, our studio had an amazing run with our Kickstarter and we are about to each pocket a hefty bonus, ha ha. As I mentioned, I had a lovely weekend with Kiki and Mumu. Kiki and I went cafe hopping and had a delicious brunch at a Hong Kong style cafe. We walked around the plaza up North and did some shopping: I bought a glass plate I've been eyeing, and we both picked up mooncake shaped mini fans. I visited Mumu back in our college town, and to my surprise, it was beautiful. Without the baggage of being a student forced to be there, the little thrift shop and beach were just peachy. We had fancy vegetarian brunch and bubble tea, and visited Mumu's friend at the flower shop. While I don't see her often, I love Mumu because we can talk endlessly with each other. She has two new kittens that I was secretly hoping to meet, but alas, next time.

Just this past weekend, I finally invited my friends to the apartment. Yuyu, Momo, Bibi, Kaka and I went to the Korean festival next to my place. It was surprisingly entertaining, with a Taekwondo performance of little tykes smashing plywood panels. We bought some snacks: rice cake and sausage skewers, rosé ttukbokki (Kaka's new favourite), fried chicken, walnut cake, and rice wine. After, we walked around and went back to the gift shop I went with Kiki. Momo and I bought matching magnetic socks that holds hands when we stand next to each other! For dinner we had sweet potato and bulgogi pizza. Bibi and Kaka stayed at my apartment for the night. Everyone was comfy and in their pajamas: Bibi was hard at work solving the puzzles on Rush Hour, and Kaka was reading Minecraft Twitter. The next day, we had a quick breakfast of pancakes and went over to Momo and Yuyu's new apartment. It was still surrounded in scaffolding. It was a small but cozy and lovingly decorated place. We had some snacks and laid back a bit, then checked out the market nearby. There were tons of vintage sellers. Momo and I bought these weird THC pop rocks which seem to have no effect (but they do taste like Pop Rocks). Kaka got some cool gemstone bracelets. Toto arrived shortly and we all headed to the fair. Our business was to try all the strange foods: pickle lemonade (which honestly just tasted like a savoury tequila cocktail), deep fried pickles, spiced corn ice cream, Thanksgiving dinner poutine. But the standout was the classic bloomin' onion, which Kaka and I agreed was the best. After, we paid ten bucks to ride the ferris wheel where Toto and Yuyu were both acrophobic(!). We got tapped out after that and Kaka and I headed home on the streetcar, the others on the train, because I didn't want to pay the train fare. Kaka stayed another night at my place. That weekend had been a dream. I felt like I had suddenly woken up to something that I had been sorely missing in life. Though I had desperately wanted to stay in Toronto, my friends still felt so far away from me, physically, emotionally. It was the first time in a long time that I felt wholly connected to my friends, didn't fear that I was unwanted. It was something that I didn't even feel in the cottage trip we took earlier.

And before I forget about that: we took a 4 day trip up to the lakes. It was my first time cottaging and a real treat. We ate so much food - Toto's famous buffalo and taco dips, Pipi's burgers, and Kaka's mom's marinated chicken. I'd never swam in a lake before either, and had my fears about the bacteria, but thankfully no one died. We did ominously cut our feet one by one, rendering us unable to dip further. But the water was clear and cold, and the sun was warm. The second day was so windy that the tide kept gagging me: I had to keep my head afloat because of my contacts. But it was fun. At night we tried to gaze at the stars, but secretly, I couldn't see much because of my poor eyesight. Toto did another tarot reading for us. We sat by the fire and sang Disney and Wicked karaoke (mostly Haha). Haha and Toto spaced out from their big boy mushrooms. Ahh, there's so much. We played a cursed game of Jenga that I customized with Bibi: we had to make a cursed cocktail for Toto (twice, on Toto's request). We made a cheeto olive oil pickle mayo vodka drink. We played a final game of badminton before saying goodbye to the cottage and accidentally left the racquets there and we had to drive back for them. It was a nice little getaway from the rush of life, and the perfect timing with the ongoing crunch at our studio.

But yes, to get back to the sleepover weekend. Kaka was lying on the floor beside me lying on the couch and we were just talking. We missed the late night conversations like this at Kaka's old apartment. I don't even remember all that we talked about, but talking to Kaka always has a way of making me think of truths that I hadn't even admitted to myself. Kaka brought up old memories that I had been forgetting. I had thought of them as not-so-great memories, but Kaka had been remembering them as times when they had been grateful of me. They always say that they are bad with remembering, but I was the one at that moment that wished that I could bring up all the moments that I had been grateful for them - and there were so many, too many to count. I had been putting it all in the past, wishing to forget those long and exhausting days. But in those days were the most memorable and formative experiences of my life. We talked too about me and Nana, and my curiosities that had popped up since we graduated. Our friends are a wholesome bunch, we can't deny. We hug each other and hold hands and say I love you til we are hoarse. But there are also secrets. We are afraid to overstep the line. We love to share our findings, our work, our interests, but not our lives. Sometimes, I feel, this makes us feel like strangers. I had been thinking about this for so long. Kaka and I talked and talked. I won't talk about Kaka's concerns as they are not mine to share. There are never really 'solutions', but talking about the things on my mind, which I was barely even aware of, gave me a little peace. That is all I can wish for for Kaka as well.

Breakfast: matcha

Lunch: sweet potatoes and hardboiled eggs

Dinner: doenjang salmon with seasoned watercress

Doenjang Salmon and Seasoned Watercress

1 fillet salmon

2 spoonfuls doenjang or miso paste

1 spoonful soy sauce

1 spoonful brown sugar

1 spoonful vinegar

1 spoonful sesame oil

1/2 bunch watercress

1 spoonful vinegar

1/2 spoonful sugar

1/2 spoonful plum concentrate (I don't have any so I used elderflower cordial...)

2 spoonfuls soy sauce

red pepper flakes to taste

drizzle of wild sesame or sesame oil

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees Celsius.
2. Mix doenjang, 1 spoon soy sauce, brown sugar, 1 spoon vinegar. and 1 spoon sesame oil.
3. Spread the mixture over both sides of salmon, leaving 1 spoonful. Bake for 15 minutes each side, tenting with foil when paste starts to burn.
4. Submerge watercress into a bowl of water with a few drops of vinegar. Leave for 15 mins.
5. Rinse watercress with running water and drain. Season with 1 spoon vinegar, 1/2 spoon sugar, plum concentrate, 2 spoons soy sauce, red pepper flakes, and wild sesame oil.
6. Mix with hands and portion on plate with rice.
7. When fish is cooked, spread remaining paste on top and broil for a few minutes until paste starts to bubble. Take out and portion on plate!

8.6.23

I'm feeling very productive today. Even though I didn't get through my long list of stuff I wanted to do, I'm still surprised by how much I did. I cleaned out the bathroom that was making me feel iffy every time I used it. It's sparkling clean! I had a hearty omelet for breakfast that kept me full til dinnertime. I got over 8 hours of sleep (which means I got 100 points in Pokemon Sleep and caught a level 9 Togetic hohoho). I cleaned out the studio Notion pages and made them pretty. I had a quick lunch while watching another episode of the Witch from Mercury which lately has me in a death grip. There's just so much at stake! I do think this is the best thing I've watched in a while. The tension between love and loyalty to family and recognzing the consequences of their horrific legacy is so perfectly aligned with the meta dilemma of the show being a lucrative franchise yet a glorification of war and weapons of mass destruction. I wish I can convince more friends to watch it because I am getting near the end and I need to rant.

Yesterday I went to an arts market with friends! It was a jolly time, the first proper outing since Kaka's birthday. I went a little over budget as expected, but it wasn't too bad. I got everything I really wanted, which includes a hot-off-press bug shirt from our friend Pipi, Cici's new memoir, a sticker sheet of cakes, a pastel frog hair claw, a 3D bunny sticker sheet from the same artist, and a stamp washi tape from an alumni I love. We took some silly photos at the free photo booth. After we went to a place that Yuyu saw on TikTok that was supposed to be the 'juiciest chicken sandiwch in Toronto'. It was indeed incredible!!! Sometimes getting food in restaurants feels like a waste but this time it was quite worth it. We compared our hauls including a McDonalds Just Dance toy that Yuyu got for me. It was rather cryptic but we took turns spinning the cutout and replicating dances from a card. We went back to the mall and walked around with drinks. Kaka got some skincare and we tried out all the little creams and potions until our hands were sticky. We visited the Hot Topic that SANA was spotted and saw some cursed looking Funkos. We said goodbye to Yuyu who now has moved into the city and could take the streetcar back. I'm a little embarassed to say that I had no idea she had already moved. I feel like I need to make more of an effort to breach the distance that we've had in the year of living apart. Momo will be moving in too... tomorrow! I thought about asking to meet up together but I feel that they will both be tired after moving. I will be spending some time with Bibi tomorrow since I have a day off. We're finally going skating - if the thunderstorm doesn't ruin our plans. In any case, we can watch the new turtles movie together.

Today I went with Zaza to our usual cafe for some drawing and tea. He got the hibiscus tea, which the barista always recommends, and I got the matcha. We split an oreo tiramisu. I gave Zaza a holographic butterfly bookmark that I made as a test print. It was nice to be glued to my seat and be forced to do some self indulgent art. I made a light dragon drawing to make bookmarks of (I think I spoiled myself the ending of this game while looking for references...), and Zaza worked on his comic which looks so professional! This is my last time seeing Zaza before he too goes on a month long trip. He's staying at his sister's place in Paris. It sounds like a dream, but there are some things that stress him out. The cafe closed early today so we went to the only place open: the dollar store. We found some gems, like a Uno knockoff called Dos and a fake Jenga I snagged at $4.50. Zaza got a rare Digimon figurine, a foam bird to put in his hat, and a padlock for his suitcase. I got a cheap canvas for practice. Maybe I can paint something with oils out on the balcony.

I'll be calling Nana soon. He's been bowling with his brother and cousins. He sent me a picture and his brother looks exactly like him but rounder. *** I just called with Nana. I used to not understand couples that talk hours on end over the phone but before I know it it'd been forty minutes. He told me about the utopian technologies in Korea, like smart couches and fridges, and all the thousand-won treasures he scooped up at Daiso, his new favourite place. There are so many things I want to ask him about his trip, but there's not much to report on my end, especially during the weekdays when all I do is sleep, eat, and work. Still, it's nice to hear his voice. When I spend too much time alone I start talking to myself. Though, it's been a good chance to reflect on life and my daily habits. I feel just a bit healthier and on top of things. Nana is flying to Japan tonight to stay with his friend Fufu and his grandmother. So jealous! But it makes me want to live a life just as worthy of sharing.

Breakfast: fridge scrap omelet

Lunch: soup dumplings and kimchi

Dinner: iced matcha latte and oreo tiramisu

Fridge Scrap Omelet

1 stalk chopped green onion

handful of chopped spinach

1/4 onion, sliced

2 slices bacon

2 eggs

1. Fry bacon, green onions and onions until bacon is cooked and onions are translucent.
2. Add spinach and cookly briefly until spinach wilts.
3. Move to plate. Beat eggs and pour into pan.
4. When eggs are halfway set, add veggie/bacon mix and fold egg into half.
5. Shimmy onto plate and granish with black pepper and a green of choice.

7.31.23

Day ? of living alone. Nana is on vacation. Today we weren't able to call, so I just laid down after making myself dinner and watched ancient reruns of comedy shows. I hadn't been feeling good today. I've been thinking about life and feeling a bit disappointed about things. I didn't get much sleep because I was working on full speed on the book yesterday. The feedback today was positive and lukewarm. I thought I may be relieved to finish but I just feel tired. These kind of days pop your safe, good world as if it were a bubble. Where can I go on from here? I realize more and more how I feel frustrated by work. At first it was just that dream where I got fired, and today I dreamt I quit. I look around and I'm still puzzled by how people can take a leap of faith and just leave. All I've ever wanted was a stable job. Do I trust myself to flourish without it? Am I delusional to think that I can escape the rat race unlike millions of others?

Things are chugging along at a snail's pace but at least they are moving. I bought a used printer and cutting machine, and a headache later I was able to make my own merch! There is a big order of materials I'm picking up tomorrow. Shimmery cardstock and holographic sticker paper, a paper trimmer, packaging. I want to be able to table this fall. I'm also looking into odd jobs like video editing. The 'easy' thing would be to find a new job, but I'm not convinced I would ever be happy in a 9 to 5 anymore. I started talking about starting a studio with friends and while that's a long way away, we might do a shared zine sometime soon. I feel like I'm bombarded with opportunities and ideas in wildly different directions and it's a challenge to feel like I've fulfilled any of them. Not to mention I'm having big wanderlust after seeing my friends and Nana travel. Luckily I may have miscalculated my days off and I have an extra three on top of the two I'm using for cottaging. So maybe I can go on a trip with Nana when he comes back. I wish I could go on a cottage trip with Nana. We haven't gone travelling together since years ago. He doesn't like camping which is a big bummer for me because it's nostalgic to me, but cottaging is close enough. The trip with my friends is coming up just next next week. I've never been to a cottage so my hopes are very high.

I've been playing Pokemon Sleep which is actually giving me a good insight into how little I sleep - no wonder I'm tired! Since I've been sleeping in the room, the sun's been waking me up at 8am, so I have to sleep early enough to get my hours in. It's a neat little game. I also started watching the Witch from Mercury which I'm very surprised by. It's entertaining and high quality and has lots of political and ethical intrigue. At least, much more than I expected from Gundam, which I have no knowledge of (though I was obsessed with the Gundam SEED opening when it was on air). I have no idea where it's headed but it's already made me tear up a handful of times. The thermometer's stalled. I went out on Sunday for bread and reading in the park and it was chilly in the shade. Now that I have every opportunity to leave the house, I feel too lethargic to move. I fear I'm reverting to my summer hibernation phase where I stay in and read webcomics and dont see a single soul.

The good thing is I've done loads of cooking since the last time so that I don't even know what recipe to share. Just in the past few days I've had bacon mac and cheese, Korean side dishes, two pots full of overly peppered and burnt porridge, tomato penne, swirl croissant and americano (bought from the bakery, not made at home), mug cake, and frankly I don't remember the rest. Cooking, and eating well, feels like the first step of willpower. Lately nothing's gone past my depleted will except for work and deadlines planned months in advance. I had hundreds of ideas swirling in my head. Even entries for this blog write themselves out in my mind and I walk around the house. But today's the first time I sat down to write it in weeks. Part of it is my achey back, but I just don't know how much of it. But when I got my feet on the ground I've started cleaning the messy apartment. That's good for something, right? The once burnt-to-a-crisp stovetop is now gleaming. The sink is always empty. Let's keep trying.

Breakfast: cereal that looks susiciously like kibble

Lunch: burnt porridge with a block of pollack seasoning, rolled omelet, fried anchovies, braised radish

Dinner: bacon mac and cheese with elderflower cordial

Fried Anchovies

Small dried anchovies (the size of a fingernail, found at any Korean store)

2 spoonfuls of sugar

sesame oil

spoonful of soy sauce

coarsely chopped nuts (optional)

1. Toast anchovies in a dry empty skillet to get rid of the fishy scent, stirring constantly to avoid burning. Toast nuts if you have them.
2. Add sugar, soy sauce, and sesame oil.
3. Stir until sugar is melted and take off heat.
4. Tip: fried anchovies are a delicious, calcium rich, and long lasting side dish. Pair it with other side dishes and rice. Dried anchovies are sold by size: small ones can be eaten whole but larger ones are used for soup stock and have to be gutted by hand.

7.9.23

It's a lazy Sunday. I accidentally (?) didn't plan anything for this weekend so I ended up having a nice break to catch up with sleep and loafing about, which I feel like I haven't been doing. Yesterday I finally opened the packet of yeast I bought months ago when I first moved in and made a batch of focaccia. When I was really little and first moved to Canada, we bought a huge cookbook called something like Mom's Baking Book or something like that. I think I tried at least half of the recipes in that book, but I loved flipping through every single page trying to decide something to make. Sometimes just imagining the flavour was enough for me. There was an entry for focaccia, which I had never tried. I remember when I first made focaccia, in first year, in the dinky toaster oven in my dorm. Many attempts later I still think it is the easiest and most foolproof breads to make. I even got Yuyu to love it after we made it together! Any recipe will work. I didn't have any herbs so I made yesterday's batch with just a bit of coarse salt that I bought for pickling. We had it with a bit of instant corn soup that I picked up on sale. In the evening we played It Takes Two, which I had huge doubts about but ended up being very fun. Some of the jokes cracked me up. The gameplay felt really epic ??? and was just the perfect difficulty not to make me rage quit. I hope we have time to play it tonight too!

This morning, we had a slow morning with focaccia with sliced avocados and a sprinkle of black pepper. I think I may have hooked Nana onto avocados because he had two whole avocados with just a bit of salt and pepper. Did you know it's not recommended to eat more than one whole avocado a day? But I think our healthy eating is already paying off. Nana is having good digestion recently. After brunch we left to go to the outdoor arts fair downtown. There were a lot of painters and ceramics artists and jewelers. Maybe it was the heat, but I don't think I was particularly moved by any of the works, but they were all impressive in their own right. Most of the artists were not present at their booth so Nana didn't get to talk to any of his contacts. I did see my fellow artist Cici walking around and I said hi.

After we zoomed through the booths, we went to eat Five Guys with Dede's dad, who was visiting Canada. Dede's dad didn't know I was Korean so he talked to me in English. It was wholesome to see a dad who was also creative and supportive of his creative son. He was very nice to us too, especially Nana. Nana got a free meal from him! His dream come true. He always talks about eating Five Guys but he never wants to spend the money on it. I had the "little" burger which was not little at all. Dede and Lili walked us to the station and we went back home. On the way we stopped by the grocery store. Nana always buys two packs of meat and not much else, which puzzles me. But I got some misugaru and we are sipping it now :)

On the walk back home, we started talking about friends. I feel like this is something that has been brewing in the back of my mind for a long time now. My dream as a child was always to make a friend. After many years I was blessed enough to have so many people I could call my friends. It's something I never could have imagined. But I feel that friends don't have the grip over me that they used to. I no longer feel compelled to stay up late to hang out with them downtown. I don't feel too miffed when I can't hang out with them, or when I don't get invited to an event. I don't ache when I don't see people for a long time. I still love my friends, and I love to hang out with them. And I think that's also just me, stagnating in this weird limbo of constantly working full time and trying to start another career. There are so many people that I see only once every few months, and have a conversation with once a year maybe. I fully believed just a few years ago that we will all live together for the rest of our lives. But I can't really see this working out now. I don't feel sad about that. I think maybe I've learned to just let go a little. I'm glad that I started living with Nana because I feel that I can trust him to be honest. Even if we fight, I feel that we can grow from it. There's this fear that's been growing in me, that for some of the people I know, when I do something wrong, that they wouldn't tell me everything. They'll just slowly drift apart from me and I'll never know why. So I try to tread carefully and not do something wrong.

All this to say I am very much procrastinating on my book. The deadline is slowly sneaking up on me and I am taking all the time in the world... But I just feel so exhausted. I'll try to do some more tonight. I keep having bad dreams lately; I don't know what that's all about. I had one where my boss got angry with me and fired me. It felt so real. I was panicking to think of how I'd pay my bills. It's fire under my feet to work towards a future where I'm not bound to employment.

Brunch: avocado toast on focaccia

Dinner: Five Guys little cheeseburger and fries

Snack: misugaru

Focaccia

I can't take credit for the recipe for this one, so I'll just link the recipe that I used by Bon Appetit here.

7.4.23

Where do I start? It's been a while and I've had a busy weekend. On Friday, I went plein air painting with friends. We went to the park a few stations away from us, and there was a seesaw involved. I painted a tree. I feel like Zaza and Bibi were a little stressed out with their paintings, so I tried to cheer them up. They looked really good to me! Since I've graduated, I've felt a sense of serenity with my artwork where I'm happy with my skills and expression. I guess I don't really care whether I am 'good' at art anymore; in fact, that feels irrelevant now. What matters to me is where I want to take what I have, and there are so many places that my mind feels a little boggled sometimes. The first mosquitos of the season were feasting on our blood. Mine is not very delicious because I didn't get bit. However, on Saturday, I went hiking with Zaza, Nana, and their friend, Coco. Coco lives in the burbs and we hiked to a tiny waterfall. Funny, since he used to live in Niagara Falls! The park was surprising popular, probably due to the long weekend. The air was so hot and humid even inside the shade of the forest. There were so many more mosquitos, and even I couldn't escape their bites this time. We sat down at a picnic bench to cool down and sketch a little.

After our hike, Coco drove us to his place which is actually his girlfriend Mimi's family's house. They had a huge garden with just a chicken-wire fence away from a little park. I've never seen such a nicely kept garden. It had a lot of furniture and cute little sculptures. Mimi showed us her little vegetable garden with enormous rhubarb, carrots, radishes, basil, etc. I wish our future garden will be as nice. We met Mimi's two dogs (one was friendly and one was not), then Coco grilled burgers and hot dogs for us. It felt like a very 'proper' Canada day celebration, which I admit I've never had. In the dark, the neighbours put on a fireworks displays left and right. The one right next door had a big one: I've never seen fireworks so close. I know they are very bad for the environment, but it was still magical to witness. There were huge fountains of gold and periwinkle stars right over our heads. Fireflies spawned in the garden and I snuck up on them BoTW-style. We filmed some spooky footage of Zaza and Nana running across the pitch-black garden with Coco's new professional camera. We caught the last train and we were all falling asleep. We arrived home past 1 am!

The next day, I chose to sleep in instead of going to the new store opening with my friends. I met up with them for brunch at a restaurant in my neighbourhood that I always wanted to try. It was surprisingly big and glamorous inside. The cultery was shaped like little shovels and pitchforks, which was very fun to dig into the food with. We ordered way too much food because everything looked good... There was somthing that I can only describe as a biblically accurate roasted corn, a katsu omurice, truffle spaghetti, seafood rolls, ramen, and of course bubble tea. For dessert we got the "Toast Tower' which was indeed a behemoth. Needless to say, it was beyond our capabilities, but still, worth it! After we travelled to Eaton where I tried to find a preppy outfit for the TWICE concert later. I gave up. We went back to Momo's hotel room and put on our glitter and curled our hair. After all the prep, we were hopelessly late. We could hear the opening numbers as we ran to our entrance. We arrived just after the members introduced themselves. The view of the stadium with a sea of synchronized lightsticks was mesmerizing. They played their biggest hits and some songs I didn't think they'd play at all. At some point there was twerking and pole dancing and we were losing our minds!!! Also there was a lot of caveman chanting in the concert which I didn't get(?) but still participated in. After the show I think I found my new favourite member... DAHYUN!!! She was very cute and humourous, and she played a grand piano with her name on it. What can I say? We took a photo op with a backdrop of TWICE's enlarged portraits. I dipped early because I didn't want to come home too late. The subway service cut just one stop from home so we all huddled into the bus.

Back home I was so tired that I got all teary again over something minor. Things that I'd brush off when I'm well rested, fed, etc, hit me really hard, even on the days when I have happy times. Especially if it's something I've thought about it before many times. I try to toughen up, but even with strategies from therapy it is really hard to stop the waterworks when they've started. I've always been a crybaby since birth, and that was fine until I started living with someone whom I can't hide from. It is very embarrassing to admit that I cry at the slightest thing. Nana is being very nice about it but I also don't wish to tire him out. I always wanted someone to lean on, until I had someone I could really lean on, and I realized what that meant. We can't always expect people to be strong for us. That's why I want to try to be stronger each day.

Aaaanyway, before I dox myself any more, let's get back to yesterday. We were supposed to go to the park, but it was much too hot so we just strolled the cemetary. We got hot dogs on the way back which made me happy. Nana was too dazed from the heat, he had to lay down. I played Minecraft with friends. It was my first time properly learning and I had some good teachers! I didn't get motion sickness either which was nice. Today, nothing much happened expect that I was really sleepy and didn't get much done at work. I had a migraine at the tail end and felt like my eyes would pop out. Nana had to go back to work at the grocery store today and so he's already fast asleep. On the days he works at the grocery store, I try to leave him alone because he is very tired. He has to work until Thursday. We talked about trying to eat healthy because unfortunately our digestive systems have been really taking a turn. I looked up lots of fiberous meals to make for the week. For dinner I ate kimchi tofu while making some food renders for the blog. Warning! Be careful eating this dish because I already splashed myself with the staining red juices twice.

Breakfast: marinated beed and eggs and rice (still left!)

Lunch: Chinese takeout

Dinner: Kimchi tofu

Kimchi Tofu

fist sized portion of kimchi

1/2 package of tofu (soft to medium is best)

sesame oil

handful of chopped green onion (I skipped this)

1. Cut open tofu package and carefully remove from water.
2. Slice into half then slice thicky. Place on plate and heat in microwave til warm.
3. Fry kimchi in a little oil until colour turns yellow and taste is more mellow.
4. Top tofu slices with kimchi, green onion, and a drizzle of sesame oil.
5. Tip: I don't recommend eating freshly made kimchi. Leave it out overnight or until slightly tangy and the spices are better integrated. When your kimchi becomes overly sour, use it in dishes like kimchi soup or pancakes with a pinch of sugar!

6.27.23

I finally have a recipe to write! I didn't make it today, but I marinated beef and eggs on Sunday and the flavour's seeped through. Feels like time passed so fast since Sunday when we celebrated Kaka's birthday. It was supposed to be a surprise that our other friends were coming, but I almost spoiled everything. Oops! Almost everyone was able to make it this time. We went to an enormous new park and shared sushi and matcha tiramisu... Mmmm. I got Kaka a block flower building kit and a bag of my favourite black tea to try. I think the gift was a success :)

It was so nice to see everyone again... It's hard to get everyone together since we all moved apart. Toto bought tarot cards to do a reading for everyone. We think she might have powers--she was eerily accurate. For my reading, I think I got the ten of cups, the queen of cups and the king of swords. The Star also jumped out of the deck. According to Toto, I'm a lonely figure of serenity in my tumultuous family. Family has been on my mind lately... I was dreading the call from my mom's, because my aunt and uncle are visiting, though that turned out really well. They are so wonderfully kind that it's hard to believe.

I'm always worried about my dad though. He's getting older but I'm still too young to support him. Other people might see me and say how well I'm doing for my age and career path, but I'm always aware of the fact that we may not be able to work forever. Well, isn't that depressing? Maybe my aunt could read my mind. She said don't ever worry about your parents, because helping yourself is what will help them most. I hope that my dad's able to move to one of the places I sent him to look at, that'll be one less thing to worry about. I've never been one to want to shout into the void. I'm lucky to have people I trust to talk to. But this place feels like a nice space to write my thoughts, one without too many eyeballs.

Otherwise, life is so kind that it's almost surreal. I'm daydreaming about opening a studio with friends and quitting my job. The air is thick with smog from the wildfire, and the floor is getting sticky from humidity. The perilla is growing so tall, and the radish so round, that I can almost harvest them. Nana doesn't work at the studio anymore because it's slow with the students, but I not-so-secretly like it. He's less tired and stressed, and while he plays a lot more League of Legends (...) he also cooks more. Hopefully he can regain enough energy to go on walks together again.

Breakfast: milk tea

Lunch: leftover bacon cabbage stir fry

Dinner: grilled pork collar, handmade kimchi dumplings, black cherries

Marinated Beef and Eggs

A fist sized cut of beef round

6 eggs

soy sauce

1 spoonful of minced garlic or three cloves whole garlic

1/4 onion

4 green onions, chopped to half it's height

1/4 daikon radish, thickly sliced

ladleful of sugar

1. Boil the eggs in their shell til firm. Cool them down in cold water and peel.
2. Cut beef into large cubes and boil til no longer red.
3. Discard the greasy beef water. Cool the beef and shred with hands or fork and return to pot.
4. Add eggs, veggies, and garlic. Pour in fresh water til everything's submerged.
5. Boil for about an hour.
6. Remove veggie solids. Add soy sauce and sugar to taste.
7. Pour into an airtight container and refrigerate overnight.

6.22.23

Went to work in person today. I'm tired as usual. I downloaded T!kT0k for 'research purposes' because we want to dip our toes in viral marketing for our next game. We also made this walking challenge through an app that allows us to track a leaderboard of who walked the most steps. Technology!

The weather cooled a bit to be nice and warm and we went out to the backyard to eat lunch. Kaka and I had a conversation about how we wanted to learn about foraging and that lead to us discussing how we could think of real life skills the way we think of D&D skills. Arcana checks in the modern world? That's just obscure fandom lore. It makes me feel like I'm a little wizard.

I finally got some groceries: cherries and lychee, which I never buy because they are *bougie* fruits. I didn't have time to cook, which is ironic because this blog is supposed to be about cooking and I still haven't done any. But hey, who's counting? Speaking of food, today I sent my dad a 'meal kit' for Father's Day so that he can finally enjoy his own cooking, and he is OVERJOYED.

Anyhow, I'm sleepy. I'm blowing off the applications I wanted to fill out.

Breakfast: carrot cake muffin, eaten fast

Lunch: custard bun

Snack: har gow and siu mai

Dinner: chicken shawarma wrap

6.21.23

I finally made the website template for this blog! I just need to make it responsive and compatible with different browsers. Every time I added a little update to the site, it spiked my anxiety because I could see the view count went up somehow! Well, now it's finally ready for the public to see.

Today I went to check on Nana's mural. The path felt longer than usual because of the heat - almost 27 degrees today... I wished for heat and now I've got it, ha ha. Not much to say for my first ever journal entry. I bought some bread for the trip from the local bakery. Prices are still cheap after all these years and I got a bubble tea for 4 dollars!

Went back to tinkering after dinner instead of doing actual work and the website looks good now! At least on Firefox. All other users, suffer. ;)

Breakfast: just a peach

Lunch: sausage bun and milk tea with tapioca

Dinner: instant ramen with tuna and mashed potatoes (I need to go grocery shopping)